Life · Weird

The Unwanted Sext

You’re feeling confident. Your stomach isn’t too bloated, you’ve trimmed up the pubes a bit, there’s no one home, and you’re in the mood to get laid. You’ve got Sarah on your mind. “Hm, I think she really wants me”, you say to yourself. “But I know what will make her really like me.” You lay down on the messy bed in your room, sans Iron Man boxers, and grab your phone from the nightstand. You start getting your little friend ready while navigating through some scandalous snaps until he’s reached full potential. Back on the camera screen, you start searching for the right angle to make you look as big as possible. “Should I include the balls? Do girls like balls?” Finally, you find the perfect lighting, the perfect angle, and your thumb hovers over the capture button.

STOP. Do not press it. Please, for the love of all that is snap worthy! NO ONE wants to see that thing. I’m sure you’re very proud of that part of your anatomy, or maybe you’re not. Maybe you’re looking for a little confidence boost. Maybe you expect Sarah or Ashley or Derrick to jump up and cry tears of joy for the opportunity to see your dingaling in all it’s glory on their phones in the middle of family dinner. Well, I’m (not) sorry to tell you this, but that’s not going to happen. In reality, you will either get blocked or given the cold shoulder. Worse yet, the recipient may just laugh at you at take it as a joke: “That’s not real, is it? Hahaha. What kind of noob does that?” Trust me, it’s not worth the risk.

I know we’re living in a time where both men and women objectify themselves via social media, and Snapchat has offered a way to be a bit more risqué with what can be shared, but just because you can, doesn’t mean you should. There’s something about a guy sharing a (typically unsolicited) dick pic that doesn’t have the same effect as a woman posting nudes. It’s just not…appealing. Think about it, how often do women really ask to see that part of a man’s body? It’s not like it can’t be sexy, don’t get me wrong. I mean:

This is fine. You can send things like this.

And, no, it isn’t just because this is David Beckham. There is something 5,000,000x sexier about a beautifully wrapped present, especially when the present itself isn’t the most eye-catching thing, anyway (sorry).

The same thing goes for women. I’m sure there are many, many people out there who would prefer a nip slip to lacy lingerie, but the idea that something is kept a little bit hidden makes it all the better. But this post isn’t an instructional guide on how to send nudes. Not that I’ve ever sent any…stay focused.

I was prompted to write this because the other day I received a snap from some random contact, whom I will refer to as Kevin Smith, who was under the impression that although we had only met once many years ago, he should send me a full body nude, little man in hand. Now, I don’t really know how the new settings on Snapchat work (what is the difference between a red arrow and a purple box??), so I can’t be sure if he was sending it to multiple people, or if I was the sole target of this cringe-worthy selfie. Regardless, I was appalled. Not only because I didn’t even really know this person, but because of how violating it felt to see something like that. There is a difference between sending naughty pics to a partner and tossing them out like bird seed to catch some prey.

I live in New York City, and, unfortunately, I have seen my share of wangs on the sidewalk, in the subway, in parks, even on the stairway of a church, but this picture was sent for my personal viewing. The worst part about Snapchat is that you honestly have no idea what you’re going to get once you tap that message and I felt like Kevin had taken advantage of that option. Needless to say, I blocked the creeper and laughed about it with some friends later that night, but I was compelled to write about it.

My final thoughts on this whole “click for dick” trend is that unless someone you know is specifically asking to see your penis, do not assume it’s a good idea to toss one in their inbox. It’s not cute and 90% of the time it’s pretty offensive. And even if someone does ask you to bare down to your special place, maybe tease them a little a put something over it so that the idea is there, without the actual hardware. Dick pics do not create the reaction you’re envisioning and there are enough things to get anxious about rather than whether or not your pecker looks better in natural light or the soft glow of your desk lamp.

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